


Shattered Hopes and Memories

by zulija



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-05
Updated: 2015-10-02
Packaged: 2018-04-19 04:43:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4733189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zulija/pseuds/zulija
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Will focus mainly on Kaidan's and Shepard's love story, told in slightly different ways. Rated M for a reason. This story can be found on FF.net, but is being rewritten here.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Jump Zero weren’t the best and most pleasant years of his life. Whenever he remembered the deep space station a sickening feeling overcame him. Still, if Kaidan was honest with himself, without Jump Zero he wouldn’t be standing in front of the greatest ship humanity had ever created. He never would have joined the Alliance, and he never would have become such a strong and capable marine.

Jump Zero was hell; but even amidst the hell, he’d found friends, and had even fallen in love. Kaidan sighed through his nose as he stared at the ship’s hull, his mind immediately drifting off to Rahna. He hadn’t heard of her in years, and wondered what became of her. Though with everything that had happened he doubted she would want to talk to him again.

There were many nights he and his friends had spent together. It was one of the very few things that made Jump Zero bearable.

 

####

 

_The stresses of the day were finally over, and their turian Commander finally gave them permission to retreat to their quarters. It was a long and exhausting day, and Kaidan couldn’t wait to get into the shower. Later he would check in with the doctor because he felt a headache coming, and thanks to his implant, each headache was worse than the previous._

_“Kaidan?”_

_He stopped and turned to face the brown eyed girl that had called his name._

_“What’s up, Rahna?” he asked matter of factly, trying to mask the excitement that burst inside of his chest because she’d called out to him._

_Rahna’s smile widened as her big brown eyes shone in the dimly lit hallway. “Mia and Carl are coming to my cabin later for a round of cards. Wanna join us?”_

_Despite feeling exhausted, he couldn’t say no to her. That girl was his greatest weakness. “I’ll be there,” he stated, only to summon an even bigger smile on her face._

_Rahna let out a soft, “Yay,” and clapped her hands in happiness before she turned and went the same way she came. “She you later, then,” she said, waving her hand in goodbye._

_Later that evening, when Kaidan had showered and changed into a comfortable white shirt and sweatpants, he sat on the floor surrounded by his friends while they played cards and joked around. This friendly meeting didn’t beat the comfort of his bed of course, but it was good to meet up with them nonetheless._

_Gnawing his bottom lip between his teeth as he considered his next move, he couldn’t help but steal a glance at Rahna who was sitting next to him. She was oblivious to his staring because she was talking to Mia as all of them awaited Kaidan’s next move._

_Kaidan couldn’t help but admire her profile as Rahna cheerfully talked to Mia about something. He was too enraptured by her beauty to listen to their ongoing conversation. Everything on her face was small and perfect in a way that left him speechless whenever her big brown eyes looked straight into his. Rahna was a beautiful young girl, and Kaidan had a crush on her since he’d met her._

_She was a quiet, but energetic girl, and everyone loved her peaceful and clam nature. Rahna was there for everyone who needed either a shoulder to cry on or an ear. It was why he admired her so much._

_He wanted to approach her on behalf of his feelings many times, but he just didn’t know how. Whenever he thought he found the courage to tell her how he felt about her, he turned into a bumbling idiot. She just had that power over him to silence him with a smile alone, and just like that his courage would vanish._

_“Kaidan!”_

_The sound of someone roaring his name in the room made him jump and throw his cards in the air. When he looked to his right, he noticed Carl clutching to his stomach as he laughed so hard he couldn’t sit straight anymore._

_Embarrassed, Kaidan looked to his left only to see Mia staring at him with a grin on her face while Rahna chuckled softly, holding her hands in front of her mouth to stop herself from bursting into laughter._

_Clearing his throat nervously, Kaidan picked up his cards from the floor. He kept his attention on them when he supplied, “Sorry, I – I drifted away.”_

_“Dude,” said Carl as he wiped his tears away, “You screamed like a girl.”_

_His cheeks turned even redder when he retorted, “I didn’t scream!”_

_“Oh yes, Kaidan,” supplied Rahna laughing softly, “You **did** scream, and it was hilarious!” It was then she burst into laughter._

_Suddenly, Kaidan felt as though his embarrassment didn’t matter. Rahna was laughing and it was all because of him. Unable to feel mad or embarrassed about it, Kaidan started to laugh too as he rubbed the back of his neck nervously._

_“Yeah, right,” he said chuckling as he readjusted on the floor in a more comfortable position. “Anyway, let’s continue the game.”_

_“Alright,” said Rahna as she picked her cards from the floor as well._

_Seeing Rahna laugh so wholeheartedly because of him made his heart flutter. Butterflies roamed his stomach at the thought of her smiling face. He felt happy for making her laugh, and he would do so again even if it meant he made a fool of himself._

 

####

 

_Several hours later…_

“Man, this ship is incredible,” stated the helmsman, flight lieutenant Jeff ‘Joker’ Moreau from next to him.

Kaidan had met him just outside the Normandy, before Captain Anderson had arrived and introduced the crew to the ship. He seemed a good guy, so Kaidan decided to stick with him.

Keeping his focus on the console in front of him, Kaidan stated, “Well, it **is** humanities best space vessel so far. It sure is amazing.”

Joker ‘ _pfft’_ and turned the chair to face him. “Dude, _amazing_ doesn’t even start to cover it. Look at its size, tech and armor. It’s incredible!” Turning to face the display in front of him, he continued in awe, “And I am her pilot.”

Kaidan watched the pilot running a hand on the console in admiration as the helmsman murmured, “Don’t worry, girl. You’re in good hands. I’ll keep you safe.”

Suddenly feeling a little out of place, Kaidan couldn’t help but tease Joker just a little, “Uhm, should I leave you alone?” Kaidan smirked at the look of annoyance on Joker’s face.

“Are you always that funny, Alenko?” asked the pilot, though his posture gave away that he really wasn’t interested in finding out.

Shrugging his shoulder, Kaidan supplied, “Mostly,” with a cocky grin on his face.

Joker groaned and rubbed his brows with his forefingers as he grumbled an irritated, “Great.” Sitting straight up in the pilot’s seat, Joker started to check the Normandy’s systems when he added, “Just leave the crippled guy to check the systems. You should do the same, by the way. The captain’s gonna arrive any minute.”

As if on cue the turian Spectre, Nihlus, entered the bridge and demanded a status report from Joker. Kaidan instantly looked away from the turian. Knowing that the Spectre was standing right behind them unsettled him. Seeing not just Nihlus, but any turian, reminded him of Commander Vyrnnus, and his anger rose to the point he needed to use his entire focus to keep his biotics under control.

 _Commander Vyrnnus,_ he thought in hate, and couldn’t suppress the memories that resurfaced at such inadequate time.

 

####

 

_He couldn’t remember the last time they’d been pushed this hard, but Kaidan thought he would die. Rahna held him protectively close to her as she dragged him to the base, his one arm draped over her shoulders. He knew she was weeping silently. He would do so too, if only his face didn’t hurt this much._

_“We’re – we’re almost there,” she said, her voice quivering. Kaidan blacked out after she’d said that, but he came to his senses as soon as she sat him down on the medical bed._

_“The doctor is going to arrive soon. Hang in there, okay?” she assured as she stared down at him. A trail of blood was making its way down her forehead, but other than that she seemed uninjured._

_Kaidan barely kept his eyes open as he looked at her crying, bloody face. Suddenly the doctor’s face appeared in Kaidan’s decreasing line of sight, causing Rahna to step away._

_“Rahna…” he called out for her, his voice barely audible as the doctor went to work, to clean the abdominal wound and to stop the bleeding._

_He heard her cries in the close distance but couldn’t see her, his head was throbbing and he couldn’t move. Somehow he turned his head to the side and saw Mia and Carl entering the med-bay. Rahna ran into Mia’s arms before her cries filled the tiny space of the med-bay._

_“Mia, Willy is – He’s gone!” cried Rahna, her sobs becoming louder and louder._

_With only thirteen years, Willy had been the youngest of them. Vyrnuss’s training methods pushed him to his limits. Everyone thought he was going to make it when the medic came, but it was already too late. The boy died because he’d forced his biotics too much. Panic started to spread through the kids, but Vyrnnus wouldn’t allow them a moment of reprieve._

_The others had to continue their training, even while the medics carried the dead boy’s body away, otherwise they would receive severe punishment. Kaidan received the worst of it; he couldn’t stop himself from voicing his hate and disrespect for the Commander, even after Vyrnnus had warned him. The Commander had taken his gun and shot Kaidan in his stomach before he received a few hard punches to his face._

_After the doctor had applied numerous doses of medi-gel, Kaidan was good to go. The wound still hurt and he needed a lot of rest, but he could walk on his own without needing a wheelchair. Rahna had calmed down a little, but the tears still streamed down her face as she and Carl reminisced about Willy and how good a friend he was._

_Kaidan didn’t know what to say as they walked down the hallway. He felt like he needed to say something, but he felt so out of his depth at the moment that he couldn’t think straight. Rahna was crying, he wanted to comfort her but his heart burst inside of his chest at the mere thought of hugging her. His mind scolded him to do something, but he quickly decided that being silent was the best option at the moment._

_Carl and Mia retreated to their quarters, leaving Kaidan and Rahna alone until they reached the doors to her quarters. Rahna stopped in front of him, he could feel her looking at him but he kept his gaze on the floor. He still had no idea what to tell her, so he stayed silent to not make a fool of himself._

_“Can I ask you a favor?” her small voice broke the ever growing silence, and Kaidan couldn’t help but look at her face. What he saw broke his heart; her chin trembled, her eyes were red and swollen from crying, and her face was still covered from dirt and sand._

_He nodded, allowing her to tell him what was on her heart. Once she realized she could go on, she asked, “Could you please stay with me until I fall asleep?” her voice barely above a whisper._

_Kaidan blinked dumbfounded at her, caught off guard by her request. “Rahna, I-” he was at a loss of words. He wanted to be there for her, wanted to comfort her, but he couldn’t. Firstly, the rules clearly stated that during bedtime, everyone had to be in their quarters without exception._

_Breaking this rule would lead to punishment; he shuddered at the mere thought of it. Secondly, he felt too nervous to comfort her at the moment, even if it was just his presence she asked for. He wanted to kick his own ass for being so stupid, but he couldn’t change who he was._

_“Rahna,” he started softly with a heavy sigh, “I want to, but… you know the rules.”_

_She sobbed, her shoulders working with it, and his heart broke at the sight. “You’re right,” she whispered, “It’s too dangerous. Besides, you need rest, too.” Wiping the tears from her face with her sleeve, she looked at him with a small smile curling her lips when she added, “I’ll be fine. Go to your room.”_

_“You sure?” he asked, even though he couldn’t stay even if she wasn’t okay._

_Rahna nodded hastily before saying, “I’ll be okay, really. You go and have some rest. We only have about five hours of sleep left.”_

_“Yeah.”_

_Without warning, she prompted herself up on her tiptoes and planted a quick kiss on his cheek, before she disappeared into her room, wishing him a quick, “Good night,” before she shut the door._

_He stood there dumbfounded as he tried to comprehend what had just happened. His hand came up to his cheek and touched the spot where her lips had been a few seconds ago. It was surreal to him that a girl like her, the perfect girl, would give him a goodnight peck on the cheek._

_His injuries suddenly forgotten as a warm feeling spread through him, he made his way back to his quarters with a smile on his face. He’d never gone to bed happier than at the moment._

 

####

 

Sipping his coffee while he sat in the mess, Kaidan stared at the data pad in hand and read the information about their current XO thoroughly while they waited for said XO to arrive at the ship. He wanted to know her before he met her in person, but the information listed didn’t give him much insight about who Commander Jane Shepard was.

 _Name: Commander Jane E. Shepard_  
Born: April 11 th, 2154. Edison, New Jersey, USA  
Blood type: O  
Parents: ?

He’d hoped to read more of Akuze, about what had happened and how she’d earned the title ‘Sole survivor’, but the information regarding Akuze was classified. It irritated him to not be able to get a better glimpse at the great Commander Shepard and her deeds, but that would have been too much to ask for. He should be grateful he got the chance to work under her command after all.

“Ah, there you are, lieutenant Alenko.”

Kaidan looked up from the data pad and smiled as he watched Doctor Chakwas taking a seat at the table.

“Where you looking for me, Doctor?” he wondered as he put the data pad down.

Chakwas nodded before explaining, “Indeed. I have been told to run some tests on each of the Normandy’s crew member. And I hear you are an L2, so Anderson wants to make sure there won’t be any major complications.”

“Of course,” stated Kaidan as he stood up, leaving the data pad and coffee behind. Chakwas headed for the med bay, Kaidan close behind her.

She scanned him with her omni-tool, checked his blood pressure and heartbeat, and half an hour later he was good to go.

“There you go, lieutenant. Everything is in good working order,” said the Doctor with a smile on her face.

He retrieved his shirt and put it back on, thanking the Doctor before he headed out. Not really knowing what to do with himself since all the systems were checked and they now waited for the XO to arrive, Kaidan made his way back to the bridge to make Joker company.

Just as he stepped on the stairs that would take them to the second level, a fellow marine came running down the stairs. He stopped in front of Kaidan, and he took a few deep breaths to calm down before he informed, “The Captain is just outside the ship with the XO! All personnel must report to the CIC immediately!” With that said, the marine ran off to inform the others.

Kaidan had no time to waste. He climbed the stairs with haste and stopped next to the row of marines, before he stood at attention, same as the others. His heart raced with excitement as he anticipated the Captain’s and XO’s arrival.

Corporal Jenkins stood next to him with a huge grin on his face as he leaned closer to Kaidan to whisper excitedly, “Man, I can’t wait to meet Commander Shepard in person!”

Kaidan only nodded and kept his focus in front of him, though he could completely relate with Jenkins. He’d been dying to meet her, and now that it was finally happening he could barely beat down his excitement.

The airlock opened with a hiss and everyone saluted in greeting to their Captain and XO. He could hear footsteps in the not too far distance, and they became louder as they neared the stairs to the lower deck. Once Captain Anderson and Commander Shepard came into his view, he couldn’t help but swallow nervously as his eyes remained on the red head.

Anderson was talking to her while she kept her attention forward and carefully listened to what her superior said. Kaidan stole a glance at her face, but in the excitement and haste of the moment, all he noticed were her blue eyes and red hair.

Once the Captain and Commander left the upper deck, the tension of the room leaving with them, everyone allowed themselves to relax. Jenkins released a low, “ _Phew,”_ in reliefas he wiped the sweat from his forehead with the back of his sleeve. “Wow, what a woman,” he murmured, his gaze fixed on the stairs to the lower deck.

Kaidan didn’t want to comment, rather kept his opinion to himself. Now that the XO had finally arrived, everyone returned to their posts. He went to the bridge and took the seat next to the pilot who made the final preparations for the ships takeoff from Arcturus station. Half an hour later, they reached the Arcturus Prime Relay, and Joker counted down the seconds until they hit the relay.

“Hitting the relay in three… two… one,” just as the helmsman finished, they jumped from one relay to the other.

“All clear. The numbers are green,” stated Kaidan after he made sure everything went smoothly.

Joker huffed as he piloted the ship through the vast galaxy, looking as though Kaidan’s observation insulted him. “What did you expect?” he muttered, dissatisfied that Kaidan could actually question his piloting skills.

Kaidan couldn’t help but smirk. “Well, to be honest, everything,” he jested. Joker shot him an angry glare, but returned his attention to the console in front of him.

Someone clearing their throat from behind them made them both look behind their shoulders, only to look at a very displeased Nihlus.

“Are you two done yet?” his gaze pierced into both Kaidan and Joker as he looked from one to the other.

Joker, unfazed by the angry turian Spectre, read the status report aloud, “Thrusters, check. Navigation, check. Internal emission sync engaged. All systems online. Drift just under 1500K.”

“Fifteen hundred is good. Your Captain will be pleased. And one more thing,” Nihlus pulled both their attention back to him. Mandibles flaring, he added, “Focus on the mission. Or should I ask for replacement?”

Kaidan and Joker eyed each other before they said in union, “No, sir.”

“Good,” with that said, Nihlus turned and left the bridge.

Joker sighed in relief and fell back into his seat when he muttered, “I hate that guy. He creeps me out.”

“Still, he gave you a compliment,” Kaidan reminded, only for Joker to huff in irritation.

“He can shove that compliment elsewhere. I don’t like him. I don’t even know why he’s here. Spectre’s are trouble.”

Kaidan shook his head at Joker as he reasoned, “The Council helped fund this project; they have a right to send someone to keep an eye on their investment.”

Joker let out a laugh that was all but cheerful as he turned in his seat to face the lieutenant. “Dude, this is supposed to be a simple shakedown run. Why would the Council send one of their best agents to oversee such a meaningless operation?”

“They don’t send Spectre’s on shakedown runs, that’s for sure.”

Another female voice joined in on their conversation. Kaidan’s head shot in the direction where the voice came from, and he almost gasped when he realized that Commander Shepard was standing right behind them.

Thankfully, she didn’t catch him staring as he quickly turned to his duties as though her presence didn’t affect him at all. He had only one chance to leave a good impression on her, and Kaidan wasn’t going to ruin that by staring at her dumbfoundedly.


	2. Chapter 2

“So even you think there is something bigger going on?” Joker inquired, and Kaidan held his breath in anticipation for the Commander’s answer.

The Commander was silent for a short while before she stated, “I think there is something going on, but let’s not jump to conclusions.” Her posture showed that she was in no way fazed by the mystery regarding the Spectre’s whereabouts.

Joker shook his head at the cool and leveled tone of the Commander’s answer, and couldn’t help but voice his mistrust for this entire situation, “I’m telling you, something is off-”

“Enough, flight lieutenant,” the Commanders voice cut through the bridge, effectively silencing whatever would follow out of Joker’s mouth, “Focus on the mission. Anything else is none of your concern.”

Kaidan stole a glance at Joker, and could see the pilot was displeased with the way the Commander had put him in his place. Muttering a forced but polite, “Aye aye, Commander,” Joker returned his focus to flying the ship.

Kaidan kept his mouth shut and instead focused on the control panel in front of him. Anderson called in then and requested the Commanders presence in the briefing room. After Joker’s failed attempt to warn the Captain about Nihlus’s arrival, Anderson cut the transmission. “You heard that, Commander?” asked Joker.

The Commander nodded, but couldn’t suppress the urge to comment, “Great, you pissed off the Captain.”

Joker turned his seat to face the Commander, raising his hands innocently in the air when he defended, “Hey, it’s not my fault he’s pissed off these days.”

A smile inched its way on Kaidan’s lips and he couldn’t help but comment, “Can’t possibly imagine why.”

“Very funny,” without sparing him another glance, Joker faced the control panel and focused on piloting the ship.

Kaidan laughed lightly and his head moved to the Commanders direction on its own. His eyes rested on the red heads face and slowly but surely his smile started to dissipate as he gazed at the red haired beauty.

_Wow… what a woman._

The first thing which caught his attention was her shoulder length, magma red hair, followed by her striking sky blue eyes. Sadly, she turned around and left the bridge before he could memorize each line of her face. Kaidan, who was still too enraptured by her beauty, leaned a bit out of the seat and watched her walk away. Her hair moved with each step as her hips swung from left to right.

“What a hardass,” muttered Joker. Kaidan hurriedly readjusted back into his seat as he realized he stared at the Commanders back, pretending as best he could that nothing had happened. He only hoped Joker didn’t catch him staring.

“By the way, Alenko,” called Joker, pulling Kaidan’s attention to him. Smirk appearing on his lips, Joker commented, “I saw everything.”

Kaidan swallowed the curse that almost made it past his lips.

_Damn you, Joker._

 

####

 

The feeling that Captain Anderson hadn’t been entirely honest with her only intensified with each passing moment. Her instincts were telling her that there was more to this than a simple shakedown run, and no matter how much the Captain had tried to convince her otherwise she knew it was all a lie, a façade. Maybe she would have believed him if there was not the presence of a Spectre on board.

Her posture radiated with confidence as she made her way to the briefing room, her spine straight and her head held high. Fully armored, she entered the briefing room and came to a standstill when she spotted Nihlus standing close to the consoles talking to the Council.

Suspicious, she made her way toward him as silently as she could, but the Spectre had heard her steps and cut the transmission as soon as she came within earshot.

Her brows furrowed together and her eyes narrowed as she stared at the Spectre, her arms defensively crossed in front of her chest.

“Commander,” Nihlus greeted courtly, “I was hoping you would get here first. It will give us a chance to talk.”

“What was the call all about?” she asked, not caring if she was being impolite.

Nihlus chuckled, his mandibles flaring as he crossed his arms as well. Shepard didn’t like him, she could smell danger from miles away, and Nihlus was reeking of it. “Classified Spectre business,” he answered casually.

“Why are you really here?” she asked, again not caring whether it wasn’t her right to know.

Nihlus started to pace a small line up and down, never tearing his eyes from her as he ignored her question and instead said, “I am interested in this world we’re heading to, Eden Prime. I have heard it is quite beautiful.”

“What does it matter to you?” she bit back, only to earn the Spectre’s amused grin.

“I see your profile description is accurate,” he mumbled loud enough for her to hear.

The way he’d stated it made her blood boil in anger. Unfolding her arms, she slowly approached him as she demanded, “What did you just say?”

Just then the doors behind them parted and it was enough to stop her from getting her hands on the Spectre. How dare he talk to her like that?

When Anderson finally arrived and explained the current situation, she couldn’t believe her ears. The Spectre was here to evaluate her skills. She was a candidate for the Spectre’s. It was a surreal thought, and the more she thought of it, the more surreal it became.

It was clear that they couldn’t waste any more time after they’d seen the transmission from Eden Prime. Shepard made a beeline for the second level to gather the rest of her equipment, her mind still trying to process the information she’d just gathered. She didn’t know how to feel or what to think about the Prothean Beacon they had to recover, but there was an unsettling feeling nestled deep in her gut the closer they got to their destination.

After she retrieved the rest of her gear, she made her way to the engineering, and was surprised to see corporal Jenkins and lieutenant Alenko already waiting for her. The two of them saluted her when she stopped in front of them. She returned her greeting with a nod before she turned away from them to face the Captain as he barked his orders.

Nihlus was the first to leave the ship, alone, and Shepard couldn’t suppress her suspicion of the turian. “Can we trust him?” she asked the Captain.

Anderson sent her a warning look before he explained, “We can trust Nihlus. Go in heavy and head straight for the dig site.”

“What about survivors, Captain?” Shepard turned her head to see lieutenant Alenko asking what she already knew.

“Helping survivors is our secondary objective. The beacon is our top priority!”

With that said, Anderson left them to enter the mako. Corporal Jenkins was the first to enter, leaving the Commander and lieutenant behind. Her foot tapped silently on the floor as she waited for the corporal to enter. Not knowing what to do with herself, she peered at the lieutenant from the corner of her eye and immediately noticed the distant, and slightly troubled look on his face.

They were about to head into a dangerous mission; no one could afford to lose themselves in their thoughts. Yet, she had to admit that there was something sad about the way he stared so distantly at the mako’s tires. What’s wrong with him, she thought, and decided to pull the lieutenant’s head out of the clouds before they landed on Eden Prime.

“Lieutenant,” she called out to him and earned his immediate attention.

“Yes ma’am?”

Shepard turned to face him and immediately noticed the nervousness playing in his whiskey colored eyes, even though his posture was professional. Keeping eye contact with him, she stated, “Whatever is bothering you, don’t let it kill you down there,” her voice bearing a note of authority.

The lieutenant appeared shocked by her observation, but hid the shock almost as fast as it appeared. “Ma’am?” he sounded as though he hadn’t heard her right.

She kept her calm demeanor and calmly stated, “Focus on the mission. It’s too dangerous to lose yourself in your thoughts.”

The lieutenant looked determined when he stated a harsh, “Yes ma’am!” before saluting.

Shepard nodded and took the stairs into the mako. Moments later, the three sat comfortable in their seats in the mako as they waited for Joker to announce the all-clear. All the while they waited she couldn’t ignore the feeling of being watched, but pretended as though she didn’t notice anything. They had a mission to complete, and she needed to stay focused if she wanted to get everyone back alive.

 

####

 

_Several hours later…_

The mission on Eden Prime was a complete disaster. It ended with one Spectre killing another and the beacon destroyed because of him and his recklessness. He combed his fingers through his hair for the millionth time as he reminisced about what had happened before the beacon pulled Shepard into its range.

If it wasn’t for her, he would be lying on the emergency bed now. The guilt ate at his soul and he couldn’t accept that she was in such a state because of him. How could he have been so stupid? He jeopardized himself and his crew just because he was curious.

 _Idiot,_ he thought as he allowed his gaze to rest on the Commander’s sleeping face, hoping more than anything that she could forgive him for his recklessness. The Normandy was the best ship he’d served on, and Commander Shepard was the best superior officer he’d worked with. If he lost his position now due to his stupidity, he would never forgive himself.

Intertwining his fingers in front of his mouth as he leaned his elbows on his knees, he absent mindedly studied the lines of her face. There was nothing extraordinary beautiful about her. If Kaidan was honest with himself, he’d seen more beautiful women than her. But it was how well reserved and concentrated she was on the battlefield which mesmerized him, how skillfully she shot down geth after geth.

Even Jenkins’s death didn’t unsettle her; she’d been the definition of calm throughout the mission, confidently leading him and Gunnery Chief Williams through the battlefield until they had finally secured the beacon. Nothing had managed to distract her from their assignment; a trait which Kaidan admired greatly.

The door hissed open behind him and he looked behind his shoulder to see Doctor Chakwas entering the med bay reading a data pad. She was deeply concentrated in the information displayed in the data pad and it was only when she got closer to Kaidan that she’d noticed him.

Surprise widened her features when she stated, “Lieutenant Alenko, I’m surprised to see you here,” before lowering the data pad to the side, “Do you have a migraine?”

Kaidan was quick to deny her suspicion when he stood up from the chair. “No, Doc, I’m fine,” he assured, then looked sheepishly at the Commander’s sleeping form.

The Doctor quickly put two and two together, and couldn’t help but chuckle. “The commander is going to be fine,” she assured with a warm smile, “You shouldn’t blame yourself for her condition.”

Kaidan’s eyes widened and he looked at her, feeling as though he’d been caught stealing. “I –“ he stuttered, and didn’t know what to say.

Chakwas chuckled again as she walked over to check on the Commander's vitals. Reading the numbers on the monitor, she admitted, “I know the look of guilt far too well, lieutenant. There is no need to lie to me."

Lowering his head as he suddenly felt ashamed of the fact that Chakwas saw right through him, he couldn't beat the guilt out of his system. It was his fault that the Commander was in such a state, and he wouldn't feel any better until he apologized to her in person.

Looking back at the Commander, he couldn't help but remember what she'd told him just before they'd entered the mako.

_Whatever is bothering you, don't let it kill you down there..._

She saw right through him. It took only one look for her to see that something was troubling him. Or was it that obvious? Maybe he was so wrapped up in his own thoughts that he didn't realize just how obvious his change of behavior was.

A hand on his shoulder startled him from his thoughts. He looked to the side only to see Chakwas's hand gently squeezing his shoulder. Smiling warmly at him, she told him to, “Go and have some rest, I'll make sure to monitor the Commander's condition." Without waiting for him to retort, she left for the nearest desk and bussied herself with the piles of datapads strewn across her desk.

Kaidan looked back at the Commander, and knew that Chakwas was right. He needed rest and he needed to eat. With that thought gone his stomach growled loudly and his cheeks turned red in shame. He caught Chakwas sending him a warning look so he decided it was time to leave the Commander's side.

The Commander stirred unexpectedly and Kaidan was next to her bed in a second. Her brows furrowed and her lips turned down into a scowl as she groaned.

“Doctor?" he called, not once ungluing his attention from her, “Doctor Chakwas, I think she's waking up!"

The Doctor appeared next to him just as the Commander sat up, rubbing her eyes with her forefingers.

“You had us worried there, Shepard," said Chakwas. Voice turning worried, she asked, “How are you feeling?"

Kaidan watched the red head stretching her neck and it cracked with the effort. Massaging the back of her neck, the Commander admitted, “Like the morning after shore leave." She released a sigh of relief before she asked, “How long was I out?"

Chakwas didn't hesitate a moment to inform her of her status. “About fifteen hours. Something happened to the beacon, I think."

Kaidan released a sharp breath; it was now or never. He needed to apologize now and face whatever consequence would follow, otherwise he wouldn't get any sleep later on. “It's my fault. I triggered some kind of security mechanism when I approached it. You had to push me out of the way to save me."

Her striking blue eyes found his then, and he almost gulped at the authority they radiated. “It's okay. You had no idea what would happen. You were curious, just as the rest of us."

He had to blink twice; was that really all? Or was she going to flame his ass afterwards, when the two of them were alone? But she didn't look like she was mad. Tired and strained, yes, but not mad or angry. Nevertheless, Kaidan felt relief flooding through him at how easily she handled the information.

Feeling bold, Kaidan stepped up to face her completely as he decided to inform her of the rest of the incident. “The blast knocked you cold and Williams and I had to carry you back here."

She nodded once in appreciation and looked at him again, and a faint smile curled her lips when she thanked him, “I appreciate it."

Kaidan couldn't help but smile at her answer. Now that he'd apologized to her he felt elated. Maybe his first impression of her being a hardass had been wrong and she was a nice person after all.

The door wished open and revealed Anderson walking in, immediately heading to the Commander's side. When the Captain stated that he wanted to talk with the Commander in private, Kaidan took his que and left the medbay.

He would wait for her in the mess and talk to her once again.

 

####

 

Head still throbbing, Shepard made her way out of the medbay and into the mess, wanting nothing else but to sate her hunger before they landed on the Citadel. Her gaze focused on the floor, she made a beeline for the kitchen, avoiding to look at the light at all cost. The headache was the worst she had ever suffered from, and she couldn't wait to get some shut eye.

After everything that had happened she was lucky to be in one peace. She couldn't remember the details, but she could clearly remember the horrifying vision she'd received before the beacon had destroyed itself.

“Commander?"

She bit back a curse and slowly turned around, and her brows furrowed in confusion when she noticed Lieutenant Alenko standing in a dark corner and was obviously waiting for her. Sighing silently, she made her way to him and was thankful there was no light sources in the close distance.

She could barely see his face, his form slightly illuminated by the dim light coming from above the table. Straining her eyes to see him better, she gave the lieutenant her entire focus as she straightened her back.

“Lieutenant, is something wrong?"

He shook his head, “No ma'am, just wanted to make sure you're alright and use the chance to apologize again."

Shepard had to suppress the urge to sigh audibly; why was he so stubborn? He had already apologized once in the medbay. All she wanted was to be left alone so she could eat and go to sleep.

“As I said before, it wasn't your fault," she stated as polite and calm as she could, though she became more annoyed by him by the minute.

The lieutenant nodded in understanding and agreed, “Yeah, I know I guess." Shepard nodded as well, and was about to leave but the lieutenant stopped her with the continuation of his speech, “I'm glad to see you're okay. Losing Jenkins was hard on the crew and I hate when that happens."

 _Right, Jenkins,_ she thought and bit the inside of her cheek. Thanks to her headache and hunger and the catastrophic vision, she forgot that she lost a crew member today. She didn't know Jenkins personally, nonetheless it was tragic.

“I hate losing people under my command," she stated, and the lieutenant nodded.

“Yeah, I'm just glad we didn't lose you too," he added, and sbeoard had to blink twice.

 _Wow, talk about being direct_.

He obviously wanted to talk about Eden Prime; she decided she could spare a few more moments before she would get some shut eye.

“Things were pretty rough down there."

He was quick to agree with her. “You never get used to seeing dead civilians. It doesn't feel right somehow."

Shepard could only agree to that with a nod, and a uncomfortable silence filled the space between them. She didn't know what to add to what he'd just said, and was partially glad that Alenko broke the awkward silence.

“It's been a hell of a shakedown cruise," he said as he leaned his back on the wall and crossed his arms in front of his chest, “Our first mission ends with one Spectre killing another. The Citadel's Council is not going to be happy about that. They'll probably use it to lever more concessions out of the Alliance."

Jane's brows shot up in amazement at how well the lieutenant was informed. “You got a good grasp of the situation. You a career man?" she couldn't help but ask, and he immediately pushed himself off the wall, his posture radiating with confidence.

“Yeah, a lot of biotics are. We're unrestricted, but we sure don't go undocumented. Besides, my father served, made him proud when I enlisted. Eventually." His mood drastically changed from before a moment ago, and his voice dropped until it was barely audible. Shepard noticed he grimaced slightly at the mention of his father, and she instinctively tried to remember who his father was, but couldn't remember at that time.

“ _Commander?_ "

Joker's voice from the intercom, interrupting them. “ _Doctor Chakwas said she's waiting for you in the medbay. She wants to do a double check before we land on the Citadel._ "

Shepard almost groaned; she hated doctors and their tests. “I'll be there in a second," she said as she looked at the ceiling.

Looking back at the lieutenant, she saw the curiosity and confusion whirling in his eyes, and she had a hunch he would ask her something.

“Can you, ah, tell me why we're heading to the Citadel, ma'am?" he asked hesitantly.

She guessed she could spare a few more seconds and answer his question, “The Captain believes the Ambassador can get an audience with the Council."

The lieutenant nodded and agreed with an affirmative, “Makes sense. We should inform the Council their favorite Spectre is not working for them anymore."

“Yep," she agreed with a nod. Knowing Chakwas would pick on her if she waited for a moment longer, the Commander excused herself with a, “So long, lieutenant," before she left for the medbay.

It had been years since she last visited the Citadel, and she was eager to hear what the Council had to say.

 

####

 

He watched her leave towards the medbay until she disappeared behind the closed doors, and Kaidan let out a sigh. The encounter ended well enough, the Commander had been easy on him and decided not to punish him for his stupidity. Also, he got the chance to get know her a little better, and came to the conclusion that Commander Shepard wasn't a bad person after all. He would have to look at her profile later, when he found the time to do so.

Dragging a hand down his face to focus on the present, he made his way down to the engineering to his locker. The elevator quickly took him to the lower level where he saw Gunnery Chief Williams on the weapon table cleaning the guns. The two of them greeted each other with a nod and Kaidan made a beeline for his locker.

He took some fresh change of clothes and was ready to leave when his eyes landed on a small calender glued to his locker door. He took a closer look and noticed today's date marked with a red circle. The date didn't rang any bells at first, but when he gave it a better thought he realized today was na important date.

The realization made his heartbeat quicken and cold sweat appeared on his forehead. How he could forget such an important date was beyond him, but he guessed it was thanks to a redhead that he forgot the pain of the past.

Slamming the locker door shut, he did his best to appear as normal as possible, at least until he reached the showers. Memories of her laughing face replayed in his mind, taking away his focus of his surroundings, burying him under a pile of regret, sorrow and pain. Before, he eagerly awaited today's date. Now it was just a bittersweet reminder of what he could have had.

Today's was Rahna's 30th birthday.

 


End file.
